Points To Ponder
from Chairman John Munro.

This ain't no Remington long-carriage manual typewriter, with Annie Lovell looking lovingly over my shoulder as I beat away beneath the conveniently placed apron obscuring some worn old keys. No, this is high tech electronic wizardry at its best, and something that rules our every working day life in obligatory fashion. Whilst mindfully tightening up on my spam engine to reject any offers of Russian girls assuring me that they really enjoy ironing and are in need of 'tlc', I have to be ever ready for the onslaught of time-lines and pressure cauldrons in this fast moving world of which we are encouraged to be a part.

Whatever happened to the good old 'pace of life' as we knew it? Yes, when the bullets were flying you couldn't dodge them 'slowly', and when the 'Beak' needed the evidence yesterday a slight sense of urgency descended upon us, but at the end of the day there was always room for respite and restitution (the good old R & R) or was that rest and recuperation?

Where, in today's hustle and bustle does one hear of accumulating up to 6 months leave (excluding Occasional Leave of course)?  Retiring to the pub at the end of a long, tough day in Africa was the norm, and sundowners in the Copper Pot, Jam Jar or equivalent became a way of life. What happened to those days?

We rush around our daily lives in the business arena like hungry elephants on a mission of mass destruction - analyse, neutralize, sell, cross-sell, deduce, demand, condemn, create, delete - you name it, we do it on a daily basis, without a thought. What have we become? Driven by a desire to achieve, regardless of cost to ones health and family, we are destined for the scrap heap sooner rather than later, unless we make a vitally conscious effort to slow the world down to our pace. The 'good books' (of which there are many) tell us that everything should be done in moderation and at ones own pace, but this does not seem to work in today's fast-paced, high risk, changing environment, unless we make the overtly conscious effort, and as the proponents of Nike say 'Just Do It'!

'Easier said than done', I hear in the ivory towers and corridors of power. 'Words are cheap and lip service paltry' I hear the minions mutter and moan. Somewhere in the middle there must be some common ground for the goodness and well being of the human race, and unless we, as individuals, take up the cudgels and 'Just Do It' naught will come of our dilemma. Whatever became of the adage 'healthy, wealthy and wise'? There is no good reason why this cannot not be achieved without burning the proverbial candle at both ends and sacrificing ones purpose in life. Take time out, breath deeply and move on. Not at a gentle roar, but rather at a pace in keeping with what we should be doing, in these twilight years of our time on earth.

Time-lines could be dead-lines unless we manage them accordingly, but manage them we must. Working smarter rather than harder falls aside at 'performance evaluation' time - try and convince the boss otherwise! Yes, we must be realists, but not to the detriment of the one life (so far as we know) we have on earth. Live it, but love it, before you leave it.

Around And About

It occurs to your committee that members of the Branch may have books and other items of Rhodesiana in their possession they are prepared to swop with other members. Alternatively members may wish to deposit books etc in an informal library, which would be open for business, say, at our monthly Monday get-together. If anyone is interested in this suggestion please contact our Hon Secretary.

The Annual Winter Lunch took place at the Mowbray Golf Club at the end of July. 50 members and guests sat down to a first class four-course meal. During the lunch each of the ladies was presented with a lovely pasmina (stole, for the benefit of the uninitiated). Thanks to Cheryl Munro for her efforts in sourcing, wrapping and presenting the gifts.

In our August Outpost we mentioned that PR3890 Rex Chambers is confined to bed at his home in Durbanville, and would appreciate seeing the occasional visitor. Western Cape member PR3444 Geoff Turner-Dauncey subsequently took up the cudgels and visited Rex. It transpires that Rex was Best Man at the marriage of Geoff and Yvonne 52 years ago.

We also mentioned in the August edition that Ann Spanton had been under the weather. She subsequently phoned, thanking us for our good wishes and adding that she is feeling very much better.

We're pleased to welcome 8527 Phil & WPO222 Sue Wright, who have joined the fold as new members. They've attended many of our functions over the years so it was only a matter of time before John Munro got them to 'sign on the dotted line'.

Thanks to recruiting officer 5089 Dave Riley we also welcome 10369 Andy Bellamy as a new member. Andy's father was the late 3528 Bob Bellamy (better known in Police circles as Ralph - apparently he resembled an American actor of that name). Andy and his wife Esmé have recently taken over running the Meeurots Restaurant in Yzerfontein. They will be delighted to welcome members of the Association who are travelling up the west coast. Andy can be contacted on phone 086 111 5284 or mobile 082 767 5685.

6671 Jan Steenkamp phoned to say that he was unable to attend the Annual Dinner as he had tripped over a rug and broken his leg - this just after having recovered from a hip operation. Bad luck, Jan. We wish you a speedy return to full health - and no more accidents!

8244 Rob MacLean brought his brother Richard along to our August meeting at Timour Hall. Richard, an NSPO back in the 1970's, was pleased to meet up with 6222 Rob Traill, his ex-boss in the Black West, Bulawayo. Rob (Mac) was unable to attend the Annual Dinner, as he was, at the time, in Hungary, paddling his guts out at the 15th World Canoe Marathon Championships. Rob achieved a 4th in the Sub-Grandmasters K1 - he was out-sprinted to the line by the bronze medallist from Britain. In the K2 he and his partner (Andre Rabie) came 5th. Well done that man. Unfortunately one of the team collapsed and died whilst watching one of the events - careful Rob!

7706 Les Lloyd attended our September meeting at Timour Hall, together with local member 5959 Brian Marriott. Les is still doing a bit of 'investigating' in various parts of the world - the day after the meeting he was jetting off to Amsterdam.

And at the October meeting we welcomed 6578 Ken MacKay. Ken and his wife Monica were staying with Neville and Janet Spurr for a few days, whilst holidaying in the Cape.

6158 Don Peters advises that 5872 Winston and Felicity Hart are leaving Cape Town shortly to live in the land of the long white cloud, and that 5727 Peter and Val Coolbear are translocating to Port Elizabeth.

6874 Neville Spurr advises that his old mate 7077 Hank Bresler retired from Tongaat Hulett, Darnall, in early 2007 and bought a house in Durbanville, all ready to settle down. He was then made an offer to work on a contract basis with Tongaat Hulett at Xinovane Sugar Mill, Mozambique, for two years, which he took up. His wife Gail will join him in the near future after their new house is rented out. Hank would like to hear from any of our members on Hank.Bresler@xinavane.co.mz

8714 John Munro came across the following article recently. 'The legendary Bulawayo BAC Bar has burnt down! Bulawayo's Favourite Watering Hole - the Bulawayo Athletic Club Members Bar and Billiard room burnt down last weekend, 18 August. Residents living close to BAC in 12th Avenue were horrified on Sunday night to see a bright glow emanating from the centre of the club buildings. Although the Fire Brigade attended the fire a large part of this historic club was destroyed. It is believed the fire might have been started by an electrical fault. BAC was founded in 1894 and is one of the very first sports clubs in Bulawayo. For over a century the Club offered cricket, tennis, bowls, squash and billiards and was a significant venue for many international sporting events. The cosy members bar was totally destroyed, as was the delightful snooker room, with its two magnificent full size billiard tables. The cocktail bar, the Walkden Hall, the squash courts, the changing rooms and the familiar veranda, from whence countless friendly and not-so-friendly cricket matches have been viewed, were spared. Sadly an enormous amount of stock from the bar was destroyed, and the sound of exploding bottles could be heard from afar. BAC Chairman Trevor Williams and the committee promised to do their best to get the club up and running again as soon as possible, in spite of the awful economic climate in Zimbabwe. The club is hoping to start a small web site in the hope that former BAC stalwarts worldwide will dig deep to help rebuild this historic part of Bulawayo's sporting history'.

The Western Cape Annual Dinner took place at the Mowbray Golf Club on Friday 7 September. The attendance register reads:

653117 Dave ACKER, 6693 Bob BEDINGHAM, 7880 Guy BEKKER, Guest Roché Beneke, 5483 Dave BLACKER, 6846 Jim BLAIN, 6820 Andy BULLMORE, 5727 Peter COOLBEAR, 7751 Alan CROOK, Guest Des Easom, 8895 Rod ETERMAN, Guest Maureen Farmer, 4885 George FARMER, Guest Bobby Gibbons, 4760 Dermod GLOSTER, 5860 Doug GRIERSON, Guest Deon Hardick, 5872 Winston HART, 7544 Fluff HAWKS, PR9402 Peter HENNING, 6694 John HOLMES, Associate Dick HORN, 8173 Lockie HOWIE, Guest Roger Humphrys, Guest Deon Huysamen (Manager of IPA, Timour Hall), 7310 Edward IONS, 6780 Spats JANSEN, Guest Speaker Neil JARDINE, 6739 Johnny JOHNSON, 6118 Pat KEYSER, 6869 Peter LOGUE, 4501 Vince LOVEGROVE, 7108 Alistair MACKENZIE, C697 Mike MAYS, Hon Piper 21091 Ralph MCARTHUR, Guest Steve McEvoy (Resident barman at Timour Hall), 8302 Niall McKRILL, 5880 Stan McMILLAN, Associate Wendy MEYER, 7364 Dusty MILLAR, Guest Alex Millar, 8714 John MUNRO, 7974 Howard NEILL, 6893 Brian OBERHOLSTER, Guest Dave Osborne, 6120 Dave PARRY, 6158 Don PETERS, Guest Gideon Pienaar, Guest Craig Pitchers, 5689 Gilly POTTER, 5098 Dave RILEY, PR5098 Len ROWLEY, Associate Janice ROWLEY, 6494 Tony ROZEMEYER, 6874 Neville SPURR, 6226 Andrew STEVENS, Guest Luke Stevens, NRP Chris Thorne, 6222 Rob TRAILL, 8897 Carl VAN WOERDEN, Guest Ted Vickery, Guest Kevin Vos, 7041 John WATERHOUSE, 8336 Mike WEBSTER, 8527 Phil WRIGHT and WPO222 Sue WRIGHT.

Guest Speaker Neil Jardine's speech was eloquent, factual and entertaining - although some of his comments ruffled a few feathers. He touched on his life in Rhodesia as a schoolmaster, thespian, rugby player par excellence (he was Captain of the national team several times) and man-of-many-parts, before going on to analyse what went wrong and what might have been. Dave Blacker 'replied', in his usual humorous style. The catering was first class, and we enjoyed grilled prawns with seafood rice and avocado, grilled kingklip with lemon butter, roast leg of lamb, and a wide selection of cold and hot desserts. Did you know that the Mowbray Golf Club Restaurant was recently listed as one of the Diners Club Western Cape Gold Winners? No wonder we enjoyed a good meal. Incidentally, Howard Neill compiled a very good photo-presentation of the Dinner, which may be viewed online, using the link http://www.capevideos.com/Dinner-2007.htm.

A few weeks ago Bill Ellway, President of the Regimental Association, inducted 5483 Dave Blacker and 5689 Gilly Potter as Honorary Life Vice Presidents, in recognition of the sterling work both have done for the Association over a period of many years. At the end of the Annual Dinner John Munro called on Doug Grierson - himself an Honorary Life Vice President - to present citations to Dave and Gilly. Well done, those men.

And finally may we again remind you that we are always on the lookout for interesting articles and stories for inclusion in our magazine, and for suitable photographs with which to grace the front cover. Let's be hearing from you.

Inpost

From Chris THORNE (NRP)
In 1957 I was on long leave in the UK. I had been Gazetted for promotion to Assistant Superintendent on 1 April 1956 and needed a bit of silver to give to the Officers Mess in Lusaka. Passing the Crown Jewellers, Garrards, in Regent Street there was a loud clang as the penny dropped. I went in and ordered a pair of solid silver ashtrays - EVERYONE smoked in those days - which were duly delivered to me in Guernsey, and I dropped them off on my way through Lusaka on return to duty. Fast-forward 50 years. In September I attended your Regimental Association Annual Dinner and quite by chance I sat at the same table as Mike Webster. He told me that when Zambia went belly up his Dad was bandmaster of the NRP Band and Drums, and wanting a souvenir of his time there he purloined one of 'my' ashtrays, which Mike found amongst his father's effects. And at the Dinner he gave it to me. There is a very long and honourable history of co-operation between our two Forces - I doubt there will ever be a longer! We, who saw the last of the old Empire were blessed, and to have served in either of our two Forces was a gold, diamond AND platinum bonus. There was chaos before we arrived and worse after we left.

Mike Webster comments: 'my father came across the ashtray, which bore the NRP crest and the wording 'Presented by Insp CJ Thorne on promotion to A/Supt. 1/4/56'. I had no idea who CJ Thorne was until the last Regimental Dinner, when I met Chris for the first time. I felt it only right that it should be returned to its original owner, so polished it up and gave it to him at this year's Dinner'.

(Chris's attested in the NRP in1951. Whilst on long leave in 1964 he received a signal saying 'You have been retired. Letter follows. Compol'. Much the same kind of thing happened, in effect, to many of our own members - Ed).

From 4760 Dermod GLOSTER.
Re the Annual Dinner: Many thanks for a great evening. The venue was much better than Wingfield. Also, the pics were excellent. All credit to you and the committee for yet another success, and for keeping the BSAP flag flying. It is a much-treasured constant these days, where all about us (as Dave Blacker regularly points out!) standards are falling, and integrity is almost an Endangered Species. (This was one of several complimentary letters re the Dinner, and the Howard Neill photo show).

From 7212 Tony BROWN.
7359 Bertie Cubitt very kindly forwarded on to me a copy of the August Cape Outpost, on the cover of which is a photo of yours truly, out on an early morning ride with a squad of recruits. The photo appeared on the front page of the Rhodesia Herald shortly before the running of the Castle Tankard at the Borrowdale Racecourse, and bore a headline similar to 'Are these potential runners for tomorrows Tankard?' On the morning of its appearance I was hauled up in front of the Commandant Depot, and it was suggested that I had colluded with the photographer to give them the photo opportunity. In fact I was as surprised as anyone to see the picture. Three extra Orderly Section Officer duties I think! I'm riding a horse called Amble, Lawrie Mabin is on Bismark and the chap on his left hand side is on Achilles. Load of useless old info but I thought you might be interested in the story. I've been doing some hunting this year on a horse called Burlington Bertie XIII, just to let you know the 'Old Boy' is still doing it! Old age and a dodgy hip have forced me to give up competitive riding, but I still continue to bumble about with horses, in one form or another.

From 6588 Mike JOB.
I've been invited to Japan in October to judge at the first Judo Kata Competition to be held by The Kodokan. Despite the honour, it's mind-numbingly terrifying in the context of being one of only five judges invited world-wide to decide who (in the world) takes home gold etc. All sorts of nightmares present themselves in the event of a bad decision. (We await Mike's report with bated breath - if there's nothing in our next Outpost you'll know he make a couple of wrong decisions and felt obliged to commit hara-kiri! - Ed)

From Gavin St Ledger
I am a wildlife photographer and have done a book on the middle Zambezi called 'River Road'. I thought it might be of interest to you and your members who have lived in Rhodesia. It is a photographic journey of the middle Zambezi from Kariba Dam wall to Kanyemba, with over 200 photos of pure wildlife. If you or any of your members are interested you can order the book, or even if you just want to look at some nice wildlife photos you can visit my site, at www.trophyroomphotos.co.uk. The book costs £4.99. (John Munro has already bought a couple of copies - Ed).

Zimbabwe Pensions

The following article, written by Edward Osborn, appeared in the national press in July. Osborn was a former senior deputy secretary in the Rhodesian ministry of finance, and was secretary for agriculture from 1976 to 1982. He writes as a member of the Zimbabwe Pensioners' Association, formed under the auspices of the Flame Lily Foundation of SA.

Business Report has recently brought to public attention the international aid required to put Zimbabwe back on its feet. The vital elements for immediate international relief amounting to US$650 (R405 billion) in the first year, and US$3 billion altogether in a five-year package, include infra-structural aid, food support and various emergency aid programmes. It's not at all clear whether any attention had been given to pensions in these assessments of aid. The weight of evidence, however, is that there has been none, as appeals to all international agencies have brought blanks.

Amid the cataclysm in Zimbabwe little attention has been given to the lot of the aged pensioner, and in particular to the lot of the pensioners who served Zimbabwe well, but opted to retire to live abroad. Hyperinflation in excess of 4 500% a year has effectively wiped out all funded pension funds in Zimbabwe, and funded pensioners have been reduced to penury. All funded pensioners living abroad have stopped receiving pensions as a result of the wipeout of pension funds, as well as the drying up of foreign exchange.

Public service pensions have been met on a pay-as-you-go basis, with premiums and pensions flowing through the government's consolidated revenue fund. There has been no pension fund in government since 1948, when the Rhodesian government appropriated the sterling assets of the civil service pension funds to procure Rhodesia Railways. However, there has always been a convention that pensioners would receive increments to their pensions, equal to rises in civil service salaries. Furthermore, the Lancaster House constitution enshrined the rights of pensions to be paid abroad. So, after 1980, pensions moved in lock step with public service salaries and were paid abroad - until 2003, when the foreign currency crunch hit hard.

Unfortunately, there is no reliable independent data on the number of Zimbabwe pensioners abroad, but they would be significant. In South Africa alone there is evidence of about 10 000 Zimbabwe pensioners, of whom about 6 000 could be public service pensioners. As a minimum, the Zimbabwe government is obliged to meet the backlog of its foreign pensions and resuscitate them. The unpaid pensions are not reflected in the government's foreign debt, because of their pay-as-you-go natures, but they remain a constitutional obligation.

It is inconceivable that any reconstituted Zimbabwe government would have the foreign exchange means to honour its external pension obligations, hence the need for the inclusion of the backlog and ongoing flows of pensions in foreign aid. The Zimbabwe Pensioners' Association in South Africa has put proposals to the Zimbabwe government for the externalisation of the pensions, saying pension calculations should pick up from 2003 and progress according to the domestic rate of inflation in the pensioner's country of residence, be it South Africa, England, New Zealand or Australia.

The Redhead

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry' said the woman as she popped her eye back in place. 'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you, so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you'. They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he listened, he shared his and she listened. After paying for everything she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No', she replied.........'You just happened to catch my eye'.

The Defence Of Mafeking - 1899/1900

Whilst browsing through some papers in a deceased estate 5098 Dave Riley came across a report written by Captain JR More, concerning the part played by the Railway Division in the defence of Mafikeng. (Throughout this article we have used the old spelling).

'Subject to the approval of the Field Marshall Commanding-in-Chief and on the recommendation of Major-General RSS Baden-Powell, the status of a separate corps is granted to the Railway Division, Mafeking Town Guard, to be designated the Railway Volunteer Corps. The following appointments were made in connection with this Corps:

JR More, Gent, (sic) to be Captain.

WH Walmisley, Gent, to be Lieutenant.

J. Buchan, Gent, to be Lieutenant'.

More was the resident Railway Engineer at the outbreak of hostilities, and the report, which was written soon after the relief of the town, sets out the part played by More and the railways employees under his command, during the siege. Reference is made to 'the BSAP', members of which worked in tandem with the Railway Division from time to time.

The report states 'the Boers declared War at 6pm on 11 October 1899 and by the following day Mafeking was completely cut off from the north and south'. Before the start of the siege More had reason to believe that several gangers were 'disloyal', so on 15 September he sent 'a reliable man' to make enquiries as to the probably action of the Boers and of the gangers. The man walked along the line between Mafeking and Vryburg and visited several farms, giving out he was in the Transvaal Secret Service. He reported that 'certain gangers would join the Boers, but others would fight against us only if forced'. 'The Boers would come in at Kraaipan, destroy the Railway and march on Mafeking, which they considered easy to take, then collect all their men and march south towards Kimberley'.

Acting on this information More transferred two 'disloyal gangers', and collected all spare permanent way material between Mafeking and Palapye and brought it to Mafeking, where it was stacked and later used for defensive purposes. Shortly thereafter he was asked by the Colonel Commanding to construct a 'defence siding one and a half miles long, thus enabling the Armoured Train to repel an attack from the north side'. He and his men constructed numerous shellproof trenches for the garrison, 'so that the inhabitants were able to seek cover from shellfire, thus reducing loss of life from the extremely heavy bombardment to which the garrison was subsequently subjected'.

At the request of the Colonel Commanding More supervised the construction of three bogie trucks, armoured with 45lb section steel rails. The sides were 5 feet high and were fitted with rifle and gun portholes. Each bogie had a manhole in the floor, to enable men to exit without being exposed to fire, and they were fitted with a lookout tower 12 feet above the floor, with a seat for the lookout man. On the top of this was mounted a revolving Acetylene 150 candlepower lamp. Speaking tubes connected the bogies, and electric bells were used for communicating with the driver. Medicine chests, water casks and ambulance stretchers completed the equipment. In an eight-hour engagement on 14 October 28 railway men and 16 BSAP manned the bogies, and 'no one was seriously injured'.

More then directed some of his staff to start up an ordnance foundry. Within a short time the foundry was producing seven-pounder shells and round shot, without which the seven-pounders in the garrison would have run out of ammunition. The foundry also made 5 inch Howitzers, capable of throwing a 16lb shell 4 000 yards. Needless-to-say, as soon as the ordnance shops were in working order the military authorities took them over!

A member of the railway staff was tasked with issuing the rations provided by the Imperial Authorities. Initially the men received 11/4 lb bread, 11/4 lb meat, 1/2 oz salt, 1 oz vegetables, 2 oz sugar, ? oz coffee, 1/2 oz tea and 2 oz rice. By the end of the campaign this had been reduced to 5 oz oat cake, 3/4 lb horse sausage & beef on alternate days, 1/2 oz comp (sic) vegetables and 1/4 oz tea. The women received a half ration and the children a quarter ration! 'The rations were enough to keep the men alive, but it was an extra hardship to railway men, who were accustomed to eating heartily and whose appetites are proverbial'.

The Railways Division was involved in several actions. 'The first shot fired in the defence of Mafeking was by the Railway men in the Armoured train, at the 5 mile cottage south of Mafeking, on 12 October. The Boers were looting the cottage and destroying it. On 14 October the Armoured engine, with two bogie trucks fully armoured and one bogie half armoured, steamed north out of Mafeking at 4am. The front bogie contained Captain Williams, BSAP, who was in military command, accompanied by 10 BSAP and 12 railway men. The Maxim was worked by the BSAP. The second truck, with More in charge, contained six BSAP and 15 railway men, the Maxim being worked by Sgt Lowe of the Railway Division. In the third truck were two BSAP and two railway men, the latter working the Hotchkiss gun. The railway men had not been in action before, and whilst the BSAP were armed with Lee Metfords, the railway men had only Martini rifles. The Maxim used by the BSAP was the best in Mafeking, whereas the one worked by Sgt Lowe continuously jammed'.

'The enemy's fire was terrible, 1 lb Maxim shells bursting a few yards beyond the truck, accompanied by a perfect hail of bullets. The railway men behaved very well, and when the enemy were within range did good work with their Martinis. Sgt Lowe and myself (More) managed to keep the Maxim pouring in its deadly fire on the enemy, and Corporal Godson kept the Hotchkiss firing in spite of his exposed position in the half-armoured truck, which protected only the lower part of his body. The two BSAP in the truck with him were told to lie down as the fire was too heavy, and both were slightly wounded by portions of shell'.

'It was a terribly anxious time. 850 Boers of the Marico Commando with artillery, under General Snyman, were pitted against 16 BSAP and 28 railway men. A grimly contested fight lasting two hours, resulted in the enemy having to evacuate his position and fall back with heavy loss, over the crest of the rise, where he was again successfully engaged by Captain FitzClarence, with two squadrons of the Protectorate Regiment. When it is remembered that 14 out of the 28 railway men who left at dawn to fight, were men with families depending on them, and who knew that if a shell from the enemy's 12 pounder Krupp struck the boiler it meant either death by scalding or falling into the hands of a semi-civilised enemy, I cannot praise these men enough. They stood side by side with trained and experienced BSAP, and went out to inflict on the enemy a check which was probably the salvation of Mafeking'.

'On 26 December 20 men manned the Armoured train to assist in the brilliant but unsuccessful sortie against a Boer fort at Game Tree, and afterwards rendered good service in pluckily bring in the wounded under fire. It should be mentioned that while steaming into action in the dark the leading bogie was derailed at a spot where the enemy, anticipating the attack, had cleverly destroyed the permanent way. The consequences of this accident might have been most serious, but for the promptness and coolness with which my orders were carried out under fire'.

'On 12 May the last attack on the garrison took place. Firing commenced at 4am, and the men of the Railway Division immediately stood to arms at their appointed posts on the west front of the Railway Camp, a position 800 yards long. Lieutenant Walmsley and his men occupied a fort half a mile to the north, and in front of them were a large body of Boers, waiting for the signal to come in. The struggle continued until 8pm. During the whole time the men had scanty food, lay in the hot sun, unable to move. They were exposed to a continuous and heavy rifle fire the whole day'. The outcome of the Boer attack is not mentioned, but we assume it was unsuccessful, as the report states that 'the prisoners afterwards stated that the firing was very deadly from this front'.

'On 17 May, shortly after the Relief Force entered the town, detachments from each unit of the garrison, together with the Royal Horse Artillery, advanced to attack General Snyman's laager. The laager was captured and quantities of provisions brought in. Another portion of the Railway Division on the Armoured train advanced to attack Game Tree Fort. Arriving at the end of the rails half the party got out and advanced under cover of the guns of the Armoured train, and a firing party remained to cover the advance. The enemy immediately retreated and the men of the Railway Division occupied the fort, capturing small quantities of food'.

Various casualties are mentioned in the report. One man died of fever contracted in the trenches. Another had a miraculous escape, being shot right through the head between the eyes with a Mauser bullet. He subsequently recovered and returned to duty, apparently none the worse for the wound. Another man was wounded in the foot by a Mauser bullet. The wife of one of the men was wounded in four places by a shell that burst in the bomb proof shelter, but she recovered; and a man was wounded twice whilst in the Armoured truck, by a piece of shell that struck his head, and by a Mauser bullet that passed through the fleshy part of his body. Neither of the wounds was serious.

In his book The History of the BSAP, Vol 1, Peter Gibbs writes 'There is an extant photograph of an armoured train at Mafeking with 28 officers and men of the BSAP standing alongside it; and another picture showing the train heavily camouflaged by thorn-bush. An observer watching the camouflaged train moving across the treeless veldt might well conclude that the railways were busy transporting Birnham Wood to Dunsinane'.

Gibbs also writes that 'Baden-Powell recruited a Railway Detachment', and he refers to 'a 16-pounder muzzle-loader which was constructed in the railway workshops. It consisted of a six-inch diameter steel tube, with iron rings shrunk on in two tiers, with cast bronze breech block, trunnions and ring. It achieved a range of 4000 yards, which was twice the range of the muzzle loaders - and they christened it 'the Wolf' in honour of Baden-Powell, who was reputed to have emulated that animal's proclivities when scouting in the Matopos'. It seems likely that this is one and the same as the 5 inch Howitzer referred to above, (which now rests on its laurels in the Royal United Services in London).

The Dentist

A Scotsman asked the dentist the cost of a tooth extraction. 'R500 for an extraction, sir' replied the dentist. R500! Hae ye no got anything cheaper, lad?' 'That's the normal charge' said the dentist. Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?' 'That's unusual sir, but I could do it and knock off R200'. 'Whit if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic?' 'I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it would be very painful. But the price could drop to R100'. 'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, hae yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?' 'It'll be good for the students' mulled the dentist. 'Then I'll charge you R50. But it will be very traumatic' 'Ach, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal' said the Scotsman. 'So can ye confirm an appointment for my wife for next Tuesday?'

The Prospector
Contributed by 7041 John Waterhouse

'Good Evening Chentlemens!'

I'd recently been transferred to Mazoe and was sitting having a beer down at the bar at the Mazoe Inn. Looking in the direction of the greeting I saw a dapper little man walking to the counter. He was smartly dressed, collar and tie, black homburg, with a goatee beard and monocle completing the picture.

'Drinks all round Vollie' he ordered the proprietor, Wally Walters, with a regal wave of his hand. 'Sure Andre' responded Wally, replenishing everyone's drink. 'Cheers Andre' they answered, raising their glasses, half embarrassed at not having returned his initial greeting.

Wally poured Andre a whiskey, which he downed in one gulp. He nodded, and Wally gave him a refill. He swirled the golden liquid around in his mouth this time, savouring each mouthful. When he'd finished he nodded to Wally and said again 'Good evening chentlemens', and left.

'Who was that?' I asked. Andre Stori was Swiss and a watchmaker, Wally told me. In the late 50's he'd come to Rhodesia with his wife and daughter, hoping to set up a business in Salisbury as a watchmaker. In those days Rhodesia needed engineers, farmers, businessmen, not watchmakers, as Andre soon found out to his detriment. There was no work for him, and soon he was wandering from pub to pub, with the inevitable result - his wife and daughter left him and returned to Switzerland.

Andre's fortunes slumped, but Rhodesia was a land of opportunity, and soon he found himself in the company of a bunch of itinerant prospectors whose stories of wealth and 'the mother-lode they would soon uncover' stirred his imagination. With nothing much to lose he became a prospector.

The small village of Mazoe is 30 miles north of Salisbury on the Bindura road, nestling in the foothills of the Iron Mask mountain range, close to the Mazoe River. Andre found himself here, and if there was any place to make a good start prospecting for gold then it was Mazoe. There were two major mines in the area, the old Alice Mine just outside the village, and the Jumbo, some 5 miles to the west. It wasn't long before he had registered a claim close to the Alice, and he called it 'Stori's Golden Shaft Mine'.

Andreas Stori was on his way, and soon he was taking out enough gold to enable him to expand and hire labour from the nearby Chiweshe Reserve. With his newfound fortune he built a cottage on the mine and hired a nubile young maiden, the sister of one of his labourers and daughter of a local headman, as his housekeeper.

Janet was not only young and pretty but also clever, and it didn't take long for Andre to be smitten with her. Within a short time she'd moved in with him as his common law wife, and he'd paid her father the requisite cattle price as lobola. The mine prospered and Janet's relatives were only too happy to fill the labour needs. Janet was happy, her father was happy, Andre was happy. Within a year Janet gave birth to a child, his child. The cottage at the mine was not suitable for the new child, so a big double storey house was built on Welbeck plots just outside the village - it was one of the largest of the plots.

Not long afterwards Andre stopped going down the mine. Rumour had it that it wasn't a good idea for him to go underground, and Janet's relatives were left to run that part of the operation. Andre became the local self-appointed squire, and graced the pub with his presence and free drinks at regular intervals. He became less and less involved in the mine's pit-face matters, and it was soon acknowledged in mining circles that for this reason the Golden Shaft was not its reaching potential.

Rhodesian miners were a tough, no-nonsense bunch and soon a consortium made overtures to Andre and convinced him to sell out to them. The first thing the new owners did was to get rid of the existing staff - Andre and Janet's relatives. As her relatives left the mine Janet followed, leaving Andre in his big double story house. He went to her father's kraal in Chiweshe and tried to reconcile with her, but instead of reconciliation he received a severe beating for his efforts. No charges were ever laid.

Just before Christmas in 1972 Andre confided to Wally that he was going back to Switzerland to try to reconcile with his wife and daughter. What happened there we will never know. Suffice-it-to- say that he caught his flight to Berne, got off the plane, and within a couple of hours he was on the next plane back to Salisbury. Not long afterwards he closed up the house on Welbeck Plots, and before leaving the district came to the Charge Office to drop off a small sealed box, for safekeeping in the station safe.

Months went by and nothing was heard of Andre, until an odd story or two filtered up from the Fort Victoria area. Apparently he had been prospecting down there, and annoyed a local chief by paying too much attention to one of his daughters, then, once again - nothing.

Suddenly Andre appeared at the Mazoe Inn one evening. Gone was the dapper air and the smart suit, and in its place was the attire of a down-on-his-luck prospector. This time there were no 'drinks all round', and many of the bar flies who'd enjoyed the free drinks previously now pretended not to notice him. Wally poured him a drink and tried to find out, unsuccessfully, where he'd been.

'What are you going to do with that box you left at the Charge Office Andre?' I asked. Suddenly his face brightened as he remembered the forgotten box. 'Come, ve go get ze box' he said, with excitement and urgency, 'Now - please!' After signing for the box he opened it and checked the contents, a couple of large gold ingots. A big smile spread across his face. 'Ja, das ist gutt!'

We never saw Andre again. It was rumoured he'd gone back to Fort Vic, but now the war was on. It signalled the end of that unique Rhodesian character, the Prospector. 

BSAP - Memories
Contributed by 5695 Dave Sloman.

2007 marks the 50th anniversary of my attestation date - 14 April 1957. Of the 19 young men who formed Squad 5/57 two of us remain in South Africa, one is still in Zimbabwe, and the remainder are scattered across the globe - England, Scotland, Canada and Australia 

The Force we joined in 1957 had, I am sure, changed little in its basic policing MO since its formation in 1889. Travel to Africa from the UK, whence came the majority of recruits, was by sea right up until the mid-1960s. (There is an apocryphal tale of a member returning to Rhodesia after his first long-leave and travelling on the same ship that he had initially gone out on. First night aboard he went  into  the previously familiar bar and - lo and behold - there was the same barman. He greeted our man cordially: 'Good evening, sir. Nice to see you again. Hope you haven't brought the other 19 with you this time'.)

The basics of police work were to get out on the street or into the field amongst the public we had sworn to serve and defend. I served initially in the District Branch, operating more or less as my predecessors had done - extended patrols on horse, bicycle, or foot for a couple of weeks, living in the veld under canvas and operating as a mobile police station. In anyone's book it was a good way of life; to a certain extent you were your own boss whilst away from the Station, and to those of us raised in post-war Britain it turned out to be a great way of life. Many years later I travelled again through those areas in which I had spent backside-numbing hours on a horse and reflected that it was exactly the way the country had been policed since day one.

When I awoke to the fact that the CID did not have horses I made application to join and transferred to the plain-clothes branch as a 'probationer'. This entailed being supervised by a section member-in-charge, with weekly and monthly assessments of investigations undertaken, suitability, enthusiasm, etc. It meant long hours, making those valuable contacts which at some time or another might aid an investigation.

The urban areas of Rhodesia were then the breeding ground for the 'JDs' - by Rhodesian standards outrageous clothing, long hair, and of course dagga. Probationers cut their teeth on them! I recall the late Hank Hankinson and Gilly Potter, probationers like myself, entering a storm-drain in Bulawayo and working their way up under the city centre until they found a gathering of JDs in a junction, all smoking dagga, out of the way, they thought, of the law! Giving evidence in Court later Hank stated: '....I warned and cautioned the assembly.......'! Working with senior detectives and especially thedetective inspectors was an education in itself; trying to keep up with their licensed premises checks was something else.

The routine of investigating common law crime was upset in the early 1960s, when African nationalist politics took a more serious turn. Weekend political rallies became the norm and had to be attended by uniformed members to ensure that peace was maintained, and by the CID to provide evidence for any possible prosecutions, should that be necessary at a later date. When tempers became frayed and spilt over into rioting the CID were again on hand, to pick up the accuseds and prepare the dockets for prosecution.

One detective, asked how he had assessed the number of people attending a rally, stated that he counted the number of half-bricks thrown. Another, in an official meeting report, described a speaker as '...having an intellectual stoop...' - an unnecessary observation. The reviewing Officer drew a query beside this on the report, later answered by another member with the comment in the margin 'A veranda with a bookcase on it'. Trust me, we took our jobs seriously, but got our humour where we could.

The first communist-trained indigenous insurgent was arrested at a Police roadblock near Wankie in 1961 - his name, as far as I recall, was Tobias Bobbylock Manyonga, though I may be wrong. He had weapons on him and all his training notes, and gave us a good insight into what was to come.

Thereafter the insurgency scene escalated. 1962 saw the battle of Inyantue in the Wankie area, when Police and Army details took on a hostile group from what was to become Zambia. Among the casualties were Inspector Fred Phillips and Constable Barry Tiffin, both saved by the bravery of black soldier colleagues, but both doomed to suffer severely from their injuries in later years.

An insurgent presence might be reported by a member of the public or detected during routine patrolling, or, more likely, from a hostile act against innocent persons. Depending on the scale of the infiltration reaction was almost always the same: initial Police assessment on the ground, follow-up by specialist forces, be they Police or Army, and ultimately the plain-clothes branch in the form of Special Branch, to obtain and assess further intelligence, and the CID to prepare the dockets for court purposes - all such incidents were treated as criminal offences and legal procedures were followed. Only if there was an immediate field intelligence requirement did any of the accuseds evade prosecution. So, from Day One of anti-insurgency operations in the field the plain-clothes branch were on hand - suits and all.

I made the cynical observation many years later that these operations were a team effort: Special Branch obtained the intelligence, Uniform Branch reacted, and CID did the dockets and got the glory!

At the end of 1963, as Northern Rhodesia became Zambia, I found myself stationed at Victoria Falls, as the SB man-on-the-spot. I received a call one day from the Falls Hotel that several Eastern Europeans were resident there - 'prohibited immigrants' to Rhodesia in those days. Initially we located an East German, a Rumanian, and a Hungarian journalist (those days they were behind the Iron Curtain and therefore suspect!). Later we found three Russian journalists representing Radio Moscow, Pravda, and TASS - or so they said. Det. Sgt. Hankinson, drafted up as extra support from Wankie, and an immigration officer and myself then took the three Russians for a quiet beer on the hotel veranda, before declaring them prohibited immigrants and sending them back north of the Zambesi.

The following day the international broadcasting services announced that three Russian journalists had been detained at Victoria Falls, interrogated and beaten up by the secret police; so much for Rhodesian hospitality! Later on, whilst operating elsewhere in Africa, all three were identified as KGB officers. One of them featured a few years later whilst involved in the USA with a CIA operative, who was later tried for espionage. He is still alive and in retirement in Moscow (do spies ever retire?) and through mutual friends remembers the Vic. Falls events of 1963.

By the time the insurgency war was hotting-up in northern Mashonaland in 1972 reactions and routines were well established. I was back in CID at that stage and can confirm that the Department, including those tucked away at Headquarters checking fingerprints and records, took its share of fieldwork, still concentrating on the preparation of dockets for court purposes. There were soon Joint Operational Commands (JOCs) all over the country, where Police (Uniform, CID and SB), Army, Air Force and Internal Affairs ran the day-to-day ground operations in their areas. And this was the format until the end of hostilities in 1980. 

My lasting memories are of JOC service in Manicaland, so typical of elsewhere in the country. The SB and CID teams worked closely together and swopped functions as the job demanded. With scarcity of manpower one individual wore several hats: the SB detail attending a terrorist scene would make his assessments and pick up what intelligence he could; he might then take on the CID role if evidence for court was needed; and he might also deal with any issues raised by the uniform branch personnel based there.

At all levels the camaraderie was superb, but more especially the closer one got to the front-line, where living conditions were usually grim, enthusiasm and zest for the job was high. The policemen who found themselves in makeshift stations or camps in the operational areas were generally young and inexperienced, but they learnt quickly and were a pride to the regimental name.

At all times during my service I was aware of the debt we, as white police officers, owed to our black colleagues. In my earliest days there was always an African detail with me, on the pillion of my motorcycle or cycling beside my horse. And that MO continued through the years, through the changes of duties and stations.

The separate rank structure was an inheritance from years before, but this eventually changed. As the change of politics speeded up so did the accelerated promotion programme. The loyalty of the black members was in later years to be sorely tested - and not found wanting.

I continued serving after the BSAP closed down on 31 July 1980 and the Force became the Zimbabwe Republic Police. I and my colleagues, both black and white, felt the winds of change. It is no surprise therefore to see the shocking way in which the ZRP of today executes its mandate to the public it is supposed to serve, totally ignoring respect for the individual and/or human rights.

The BSAP was apolitical. If we appeared to be siding one way or another it was the circumstances of the time inferring so, and nothing more. But my memories of 26 years service are pleasant ones, of a job well done. Pro Rege, Pro Lege, Pro Patria.

South African Lingo Explained To A Foreigner

Ag: This is one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the 'ach' in the German 'achtung', it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: 'Ag, I don't know'. Or a sense of resignation: 'Ag, I'll have some more mieliepap then'. It can stand alone, too, as a signal of irritation or pleasure.

Bakkie: This word is pronounced 'bucky' and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men used to take their 'cherrie' (girlfriend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it was not always an appropriate form of transport, because the seats usually don't recline and you may have been forced to watch the film. This was never the purpose of going to a drive-in flick.

Boet: This is an Afrikaans word meaning 'brother' and is shared by all language groups. Pronounced 'boot' as in 'foot', it can be applied to a non-brother. For instance a father can call his son 'boet', and friends can apply the term to each other, too. Sometimes the diminutive 'boetie' is used. But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get donnered, hey.

Braai: A braai is the first thing you will be invited to when you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it takes place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if it's raining like mad and freezing cold. At a braai you will be introduced to a substance known as mieliepap, which the locals regard as edible.

Catch a tan: This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own odd phrases, say they are getting 'bronzed'. Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.

Donner: A rude word, comes from the Afrikaans 'donder' (thunder). Pronounced 'dorner', it means 'beat up'. Your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if you do a lousy job.

Dop: This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First the good. A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner or a noggin. If you are invited over for a 'dop' be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. When you get invited to a braai you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop. Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you dopped Grade 4 more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Eina: Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means 'ouch'. Pronounced 'aynah', you can shout it out in sympathy when someone burns his fingers on a hot potato at a braai, or eats mieliepap that's too hot.

Graze: In a country with a strong agricultural tradition it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation. Thus, to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a bioscope show you may be asked: 'Do you want to catch a graze now now?'

Hey: It is often used at the end of a sentence to emphasize the importance of what has just been said, or it can stand alone as a question. Instead of saying 'excuse me?' or 'pardon?' when you have not heard the question you can simply say: 'Hey?' If you want to use it at the end of a sentence you can say something like 'Ag, donner, this mieliepap is blerry hot, hey'.

Howzit: This is a universal South African greeting and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word 'No', as in the exchange 'No, howzit?' - 'No, fine'.

Isit?: This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words 'is' and 'it', it can be used when you have nothing to contribute. If someone tells you at the braai 'The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership', it is appropriate to respond by saying 'Isit?'

Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback-word. Derived from the four words 'yes', 'well', 'no' and 'fine', it means roughly 'how about that'. If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn you can say with confidence 'Jawelnofine'.

Jislaaik: Pronounced 'Yiss-like', it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China a suitable comment is 'Jislaaik, that's a heng of a lot of people'.

Klap: Pronounced 'klup' - an Afrikaans word, meaning 'smack', 'whack' or 'spank'. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time you could end up catching a sharp 'klap' from your Dad. In America this is called child abuse - in South Africa it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.

Lekker: An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim 'Lekkerrr!' while drawing out the last syllable. You might, however, get a klap.

Mrs Balls Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did she has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin, and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and sugar. South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.

Now Now: In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase: 'Now, now, don't cry. I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow'. But in South Africa this phrase means a little sooner than soon: 'I'll clean my room now now, Ma'. It is a little more urgent than 'just now', which means an indefinite time in the future.

Pasop: From the Afrikaans phrase meaning 'Watch Out!' this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in 'Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet, Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way'. 'Sometimes just the word 'pasop!' is enough, without further explanation. Everyone knows that it sets out a line, not to be crossed, in the sand.

Rock up: To rock up at some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that, but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for a job interview, or at a five-star restaurant. You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up. You can, however, rock up at a braai, providing you've brought your own dop.

Sarmie: This is a sandwich. For generations school children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning don't give them liver-polony sarmies. These are the toughest to trade. Definitely not lekker.

Scale: To scale something is to steal it. A person who is 'scaly' is not nice, a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list. If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him, boet, and scale all his dop, hey.

Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally 'kick, shoot and thunder' in Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies, or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.

Takkies: These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. 'Fat takkies' are big tyres, as in 'Where did you get those lekker fat takkies on your Volksie (VW), hey?'

Tune grief: To be tuned grief is to be aggravated or harassed. Be selective about using the term. For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft you should avoid saying 'Hey, listen, you're tuning me grief, man'. That would be unwise and could result in major tuning of grief. There are variations. You can say about your boss 'This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill'.

Vrot Pronounced 'frot': A wonderful word which means 'rotten' or 'putrid' in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf life has long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often can also be termed 'vrot' by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it. Pasop. We once saw a movie review with the headline: 'Slick Flick, Vrot Plot'. However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunken boets at the braai who finished all their dop.

Happy Holidays

A couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at their church. The minister asked the man to take a few minutes to share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman for all those years. The husband replied that he had always treated his wife with respect, spent money on her, but mostly he took her travelling on special occasions. The minister enquired where he took her for their 25th anniversary. 'I took her to Beijing in China' said the man. 'And what are you going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary', asked the minister. 'Oh' said the man, 'I'm going over there to bring her back'. 

As Your Worship Pleases
Contributed by 6494 Tony Rozemeyer

Being plucked out of an investigative role and thrust into the cauldron of prosecuting made one realize that a great deal more of court procedure and ethics - often taken for granted when in the role of a witness - should have been absorbed, in order to strictly present cases before a magistrate in a competent and able manner in a Court of Law. This was only achieved with the dedicated guidance of stalwarts such as Mike Leach and the 'Very Reverend' Fred Pringle, who graced Marandellas with their presence in the late sixties; two scholars, two friends and two gentlemen.

Related here is a sprinkling of the many humorous episodes played out in the courtrooms, which made life that little more interesting in what was once a proud colonial environment, where fair justice ruled a strict and formal system, now wiped off Africa's judicial blackboard. An era when Judges and Magistrates were beyond reproach as respected members of the community in which they ably served, whether in hot matchbox district offices, or in the hallowed corridors of the highest courts of the land.

Let's commence with the highly polished dome of a newly arrived African Constable at Gormonzi, who was appointed as the investigating officer in the theft of a chicken. In this instance a swift arrest by our man set the legal wheels in motion, strengthened by an admission, duly recorded in a Warned and Cautioned statement, but regrettably weakened somewhat by the absence of state witnesses. The plea, unsurprisingly, was one of Not Guilty. A trial-within-a-trial commenced, with the constable being the centre of attention in his inaugural case at the Goromonzi circuit court. Truly a great day for the constable, who within three days of his first posting had made a remarkable stock theft arrest. The assistance of the court interpreter was declined, as our man was proud to render his evidence in English on this momentous occasion. The usual questions pertaining to this nature of trial went smoothly, with the appropriate answers punctuated by 'Yeeees Your Warship' as the questioning eventually reached its conclusion. 'Prior to taking the statement from the accused did you caution him in the prescribed manner?' A pregnant silence fell across the small courtroom. Even the donkey carts came to a stop outside. A brief shadow of confusion fell across the dial of the constable, who had previously sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth 'so help him God'. Then came the answer: 'Yes Your Warship, I cautioned him with a Clap'! The accused was a very fortunate man that day, but not so the constable!!

Then there was another fellow from the same district who came across a duck on a deserted path. The indictment told a story full of carnal knowledge of a fowl, which prompted the magistrate to utter in full voice 'A WHAT?' The investigating officer had prepared a watertight case against the Ducker, and the witness was a star performer. He described, in theatrical detail how, from his grandstand seat in a leafy tree in the TTL, he had observed a well prepared bollock-naked indigenous inhabitant engaging in an act with a ducky, something not seen since the likes of Debbie Does Dallas. His evidence was out of the top drawer, and his ministrations with an imaginary duck held waist high deserved a curtain call, if not an Oscar. His evidence was brought to a timely halt by the magistrate, just as the actor reached the short-strokes at the climax to his testimony. The accused, defended by a stage-frightened attorney from Salisbury, was found guilty and sentenced to a long term of imprisonment in the black hole of Chikarubi.

When juvenile offenders were convicted they were often sentenced to six-of-the-best, administered by circuit prison officers in the local cells at Goromonzi. Having no formal bench facility a warden would clamp the youthful offender's head between his legs whilst his colleague administered the strokes, to the posterior of a madly bucking, wailing youngster. Once released the picanini would gap it down the dirt road screaming 'Maiway, Maiway, Maiway' at the top of his voice, until his disappearing form faded into a speck of dust. Fortunately Goromonzi was not on the tourist route!

There was little love lost between a certain regional court prosecutor and a magistrate who worked the Gwelo line. One case is worthy of mention. A TTL lady had allegedly been raped by a tribesman, and at some stage during the trial the magistrate brought proceedings to a halt by firing a loaded question at the prosecutor, obviously in an effort to undermine or embarrass him. He pompously asked: 'Mr Prosecutor, I believe I am correct in assuming that the majority of African females are not in the habit of wearing panties.' From a slumped position in his chair the prosecutor slowly rose, and with his head bowed he replied in an equally patronizing manner 'I bow to Your Worship's superior knowledge'! Before he could resume his seat the gravel summoned the prosecutor to chambers, temporarily halting the trial.

Then there was a case in which Senior State prosecutor Francois Joubert, applied for a simple, straight forward remand 'that will take only a couple of minutes'. The accused in the case was a mountain of a man, complete with walleye and 21 inch tattooed biceps. What the prosecutor didn't know was that the accused had spent the last two years in Gwelo prison, and that he was due for release the following day. For his part the accused could not understand why an application was being made for his further detention in custody. The fact is that evidence of further serious charges against him had been unearthed. When these facts were presented to the Court the accused went ape, to put it mildly. He danced out of the dock, lifted a heavy oak chair, and issued a challenge to 'come and get me'. It took the magistrate and a very concerned court orderly a good 10 minutes to talk the accused back into the dock, with the promise that the investigating officer, who was conspicuous by his absence, would be available to testify to clarify the matter within the hour. Later that morning the accused reappeared in the dock, handcuffed to a prison officer twice his size, and trussed up in leg irons for good measure. The investigating officer, Dave Lowe, visibly uncomfortable, rendered the necessary evidence, and convinced the magistrate that the accused should indeed be incarcerated, thus ending the drama. So what's special about this case? The story emanating from the investigating officer suggested that the prosecutor, on being confronted by the chair-wielding accused, had rushed out the courtroom, locking the doors behind him, leaving the magistrate and the orderly to subdue the prisoner! Truth did eventually win the day.

Let's close on a happy note. Give Max Labiris, who took over from Francois Joubert, an A4 piece of paper and he could beautifully model a frog, a hat, a flower or, as we found out to our detriment, a glider. An adjournment in the court had been called. The Provincial Magistrate, a no-nonsense man, warned us to be ready within 15 minutes to commence proceedings. Within the blink of an eyelid Max had shaped a paper plane that flew ever so sweetly, and the second launch from the Beaks bench can only be described as superb. Whilst the missile was still in midair a loud rap on the door announced the return of the magistrate. He took one look at the lazily descending aircraft before addressing us, in what can only be described as icy tones, 'When you two aviators are quite ready please inform me and I will return to my Court'. However, he left the best for last! The dressing-down took place before a full bench of Chaplin schoolgirls, whose project for the day was to write an essay on Court Procedures!... 'as Your Worship pleases'!

Oh Dear

An elderly couple were sitting around one evening and the man said to his wife 'Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?' 'She hesitated for a moment, then said 'Yes, three times, Sidney'. 'Three times? How could that happen?' Sidney asked. The wife began recalling slowly 'Well, do you remember that right after we were married we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?' 'Yes, that was really a terrible time' replied Sidney. Marsha continued 'And remember I went out to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?' 'That's hard to take', the man said 'but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you'. 'What was the second time?' 'Well' she continued 'do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?' 'Yes of course' the man replied. 'Then you will remember that right after you went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?' she explained. 'That's true' Sidney nodded. 'That shocks me, Marsha, but I understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you'. 'So, what was the third time?' Marsha lowered her head and said 'Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes?'